you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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