my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
