i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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