like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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