I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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