so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
