No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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