either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
