She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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