While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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