I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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