I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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