Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
