she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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