I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I could make wine with my vomit
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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