i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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