I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's shark week go big or go home
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have post one night stand depression
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