you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize