I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
