how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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