I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
