It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize