I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
