peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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