My friends, they love my intelligence
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
