Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
