you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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