Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
