franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
