I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
