Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize