It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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