so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
