I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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