I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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