You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
