??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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