I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
