i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
