You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
