he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
