I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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