so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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