Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
