it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize