I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize