Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
