i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Randomize
