She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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