The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
