I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
