His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I need moral support for this bender
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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