I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize