Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
