the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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