Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
