i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
