just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Randomize
