my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
