I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
you would pick up someone in the library
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
