sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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