I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
