and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
