Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
