Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
